Needing a distraction, I rolled open a blind and looked out the window into the dark night. It was two in the morning, and all was quiet in the complex. I woke up with so many thoughts and worries going on in my head and couldn’t get them to stop.
Soon we will be coming out of a terrible situation, and where I go next haunts me. As I keep looking out the window, I realize it’s not what I see in front of me that is dark, but I am personally experiencing what is known as ‘Dark Night.’ It’s listed as an internal condition where you become lost to the world you once knew.
As my eyes adjust, I see in front of me my worries all lined up farther than the eye can see. The first one that approaches me is uncertainty. It reminds me of all the risks that are out in the world if I go out there. “Yes,” I say. “But, at some point, I’ll have to venture out and try to find the person I once was so many months ago.”
Uncertainty just shakes its head and walks away.
Next in line is ego. I am reminded about all the things done just to please him. I don’t want to be that person anymore who relies only on ego. I want to be someone who does things with a purpose in mind, not what I can gain only for myself.
“I’m done with you and your reckless ways,” I say.
Ego just laughs and reminds me that everyone always comes back because it’s the way of the world. He bellows out as he disappears, “All for one and more for me.”
I lean my hand on my chin. My mind is lost and empty. Where did I go? Where did my ability to plan my future go? Having spent so many months at home all alone has caused me to lose myself.
Joy stands in front of me with a happy face plastered on her chest. “I am your every day and night, so smile, “ she says.
“Sorry, Joy. You are no longer a part of me, and I have no idea how to get you back, so leave.”
Joy tries over and over to get me to smile, but nothing causes me to do that, and she leaves.
Several memories started to emerge from my past—the birth of my children, bad marriages, learning for new careers, and hundreds more. Unfortunately, none of them impressed me. All of those items from my life are so far behind me and no longer important.
The final thing in line said, “Hi. I’m your new path.” She handed me a blank page with New Path written at the top.
“So, what am I supposed to do with this?”
“Write on it anything you want to do from this moment on.”
“I don’t know what exactly I want to do going forward, but I am sure it is nothing that I have done so far.”
“Maybe start at the top with I want to and then just write what is in your soul.”
I backed away from the window and sat down with the paper in front of me. I kept telling myself, you can do this, just start. Then I took up a pen and wrote at the top as New Path instructed.
I want to…..
This so captures what the last few months have done to us and what needs to be done to move forward again. Very thought provoking.