As I look forward, all I see is thick smoke, heavy fog, and a glaring haze blocking my view. My life has been turned upside down over the past five months, and my sense of direction has disappeared.
Each night before going to bed, I plan what my next day will be like, but after getting up in the morning, the plan disappears. Instead, I seem to wander through an array of things blocking my intentions. It’s like my mind is just walking through a thick layer of smoke, and there appears to be no way out, so I just sit.
I need to find a way to clear my mind from the things that consume me and return to life. I set goals and break them. I set deadlines, and they seem to create a haze on my intentions, and I change them.
It is so uncomfortable not to be able to navigate just one day as planned. I believe that maybe the sorrow of what is taking place has a hold on me. It is like I am living in a fog that keeps rolling at me minute by minute.
I need to deal with the feelings creating the pause but have no way of knowing how to accomplish that feat. The thick smoke billows over my head, the heavy fog makes my eyes water, and the glaring haze is like a bright light telling me to stop.
I will try once more tomorrow to start small and try to progress from there. No looking at bank accounts or spreadsheets about budgets every morning and set that task to a specific date and time during the week.
No more watching television from the time I get up until bedtime. I am going to set a few simple goals.
- Get dressed and go for a walk before breakfast to get the muscles moving.
- Listen to stimulating music while eating breakfast.
- Set up my computer for the day to write for at least two hours about anything.
- Go out after lunch again and walk the two blocks to the main intersection.
- Work on creative things like videos and animations for book releases.
I hope the above is not too difficult. By going out of the apartment, even though we are in lockdown with a stay at home order, the fresh air will help clear some of the fog or clouds or maybe at least the haze in the beginning.
Also, times need to be established for going to bed and getting up. Anyway, to try and dissolve the fog during the night in my dreams that wake me. They create extreme stress regarding what to do about this or that. I need to let go of things and let others involved takeover and be responsible.
Before five months ago happened, I would enjoy each day working on my writing and spending time outside or riding a bus just to be around other people. That life is gone, maybe for good. I had been so used to getting up at four in the morning and working until late in the evening for three full months.
That pattern became my routine, and life at home didn’t exist. Once when coming home for a few days, I forgot which key opened the building door. That, I think, is what created the heavy clouds, thick fog, and glaring haze in my day. Everything just kept repeating day after day and each day blended into the next until I had to stop.So, here I am now with no way to see how to go forward and reclaim at least a bit of my life from before. Maybe, that is not the answer. Just perhaps, I need to start from the beginning and leave the past behind. Just go forward and create a new normal that will make me happy and allow me to not be blocked by obstacles.
